coz you dont belong.

give me a place to go.

you dont know how alone i feel.

there isnt a place i ought to be.

there isnt a place i belong.

not on earth.

and not in anyone's heart.

cry your tears in the dark

coz then tears are my only companion.

and i dont know what to do coz i didnt mean for it to be this way.

i dont mean to make you cry i never meant to make myself cry either... i just do...

and well snce i cant do it there. then. here?

then no one will think things they arent supposed to...

gloria/shao/deb/wo_Olie/lyn/chanyi and alot of other people are flying off in early november to like chiangmai/newzealand/china. and of course when they come back on the 17/18 we're going to pick them up from the airport camp over at the airport and pick the next batch of people up.

and then the still-planning year end GEP party at shao's house. and some sort of camp over i figure. (coz we're all too lazy to book some chalet though we have like 100++ dollars left over from last year's history drama after donating 500 to the school, spending alot more on last years chalet/bbq and then some heavenly marshmallow cake this year) we actually wanted to stay in school but kuo was like "uncle jack is gonna be damn pissed at you coz you make him have to deactivate the alarm...etcetc" so we decided not to.

and then our "personal" chalet which will prolly be the one i enjoy the most. like last year when the guys said the toilet was haunted. and walking in the rain and comng back to hot chocolate wonderfully prepared by ttwt and amanda. and the nice bath and freezing feet and the best night ever. and when i freaked them out the next night by suddenly popping up and waking up. ohwell. hmmm

izzat all? i dunno. i wanna go for some x'mas party. like last year. (: it was fun. though eventually i was left stranded and allalone with like how many guys coz GLORIA WONG and yuechin like went off so early. i didnt mind so much coz at least i knew like daddy/addie kor though addie kor daoed me the entire time please. and they had the freakiest pool friend ever who started screeching coz he was TOP half naked when me and glo went downstairs. but i figure i liked it most afterdinner. yeah. afterdinner. hmmmlast year was alot prettier than this year.i wonder what next year will be like...?

i jus. wanted to reflect. i just. wanted to. i didnt. i dont know. i didnt mean to. i just...

...

it was just a break.

and now i feel all alone. again

if its meant to be yours it'll be yours. if its not meant to be yours itll never be yours.

worn down and tired out.

you're hurting me dammit. you're hurting me.

i feel so exhausted. i really am.

ive been trying not to lie to you. to the both of you. but what the hell comes out of it? nothing ever. nothing. really just nothing.

do you ever appreciate a single thing that i do? do you ever realize that i try? you dont. you never do. you never ever ever do. im tired of trying to meet up to your expectations of me. tired of being who you want me to. not myself. who you want me to be. do you even know how miserable ive been? do you even care? you never have. ive tried. but do you even see it. you never ever. ever. ever do.

-- i hate you.

you dont ever see that i try either. youre becoming so much like her it wears me out. why did you make me go back to crying myself to sleep again? why did you...? you used to give me such courage and strength. and belief in myself. i used to believe that the world was ours. i used to believe all that crap. just crap. why did you have to go and take it all away why? whywhywhywhy? you know i dont believe there'll ever be a forever now...? because you make me realize forever is like. just this faraway DREAM. its not even hope you know. just a dream. and i dont know how to continue trying when im already trying so hard and its not enough for you. its just not enough for you. im tired. you know i feel like. the time at the end of mine and michael's relationship when i kept trying and trying and trying to bloody bring it back. and it didnt work. why is it happening with you and me now? whywhy?

-- goodbye isnt for forever.

dont let me go;;

i feels tired...

like i want to give up all over again...

be a coward. just. just pick up the blade and tear my wrist into pieces like i used to... i dont know what's holding me back still... maybe its the like long period of stagnation from using the blade on myself so now im just kind of... i dont know anymore.

i feel like. i dont know. it feels like no one ever sees [me]. no one ever realizes that im trying that. im really REALLY trying. i need that appreciation and understanding so much. but i get it from no one...

im tired...

rant.

-is extremely irritated- i feel tired. im 15 years old and you're still trying to control me. make me do the things that you want me to simply because its what you want and what you expect me to do. you know being completely honest i dont need it at all. yeah i admit ive been pretty stupid. letting you have your way all 15 years of my life. doing everything that you ask just because you threaten to fking slap me just because i wont do it. even if its because i wont do it because i dont approve of it. because my morals dont do me justice. or even just because i dont want to let you keep ordering me around. just to let you know you dont have the right of laying your hand on me. not anymore. (besides. you never had) just to let you know ive remembered every single one of them. and ive never forgiven you for any of them. and just so you know. i never will. and for the first time in 15 years of my life im learning to do what you call "rebel" yes. im rebelling. against what. your dictatorship. i was stupid enough like two years ago to allow you to screw my own choice. to screw what i wanted so badly to do ever since i was a young girl. i let you do that. i dont know how. maybe i was still AFRAID of you then. but im not anymore. you can slap me all you want until my cheeks turn red until my mouth bleeds I DONT REALLY CARE ANYMORE. its not the first time you'd be doing it for no reason. its not the first time youd be doing it. i dont even hurt when you do it anymore. you broke the one thing that i wanted to have so much choice over. the one thing i was SO SURE i wanted to do. my aim since i was like what. 5. what i wanted to do so much. you didnt allow me to do it. and now you want to control me again. im telling you i may have been stupid before but im not quite so stupid anymore. i wont let you continue manipulating me to do what you want to at the expense of my own happiness. my own goals. what i want. YOU'VE never approved of my choices and it used to matter. it doesnt anymore. just so you know. ive grown up. maybe i havent completely matured. but ive matured enough to know what I want. not what YOU want. you can try to make me do things the way you want me to. YOU CAN JUST TRY. AND YOU CAN KEEP ON TRYING. but im not giving in again. NEVER. AGAIN. id be willing to listen to what you think. what your opinion was. if you respected me enough to make me return that respect. the respect i give nearly everyone. EXCEPT YOU. simply because im beginning to realize how much you dont deserve because you try to control me. im not your robot. im not someone you can manipulate. sometimes i THANK GOD i dont have a brother. because i know he'd suffer in YOUR hands more than mine. he'd live life according to YOUR expectations of him. what YOU want him to do. but im not a boy. and im not letting you manipulate me.

breakaway

why is it like that...?

why are you making me feel so awful...?

its just one day after my birthday...

making up for lost time...?

do you know how many times ive cried-
and do you even care...?

i dont like continuously blocking myself out.

pretending im not hurt when i am.

pretending to be okay.

so that i dont start quarrelling with you.

but why do you always have to make it this bad?

why do you have to?

whywhywhywhwywhywhywhy?

im blocking you out so i can be myself again.

but why must it be this way

i need sweet release.

i cant go on this way its not doing me any good.

let me go.

you're not making me happy you know that?

you're torturing me.

you're hurting me at the expense of your own happiness.

and id be hurting you at the expense of mine.

just let go.

i want to stop crying over you. i want to stop crying because of you. i want to stop crying for you.

whirlpool

its been tiring. and exhausting. and a lot of other things i cant describe. its like life has been this roller coaster. and somehow. it got better for awhile since i met him but now its just going back to the same old routine again.

and its hard to describe it but the temptation to cut seems to be coming back all over again.

im curious though. why is it that happiness only ever lasts one or two days. or maybe even one or two hours? i dont know. why is it always this way? im tired of those sleepless nights in bed thinking of you and wishing you were here.

wishing things were so much better between us both. wishing... for so many things i dont know if i could ever have. wishing for things which somehow i believe i cant have.

my head hurts from the impact of the wall. i feel. so lost. yeah... is that the feeling? lost. i suppose it is. have i really been happier than i used to be...?

tiredness.

there is this great inclination to shut up and go away.

i really dont need this from you now. but do you ever understand that? no. obviously not. you're not that clever.

sighs. its always the case of one problem on another. besides the problems piling on top of one another... and of course emotions pile up along with those problems.

i get tired too easily nowadays. i dont know why. seems that if i can stay up late so long every night... i would have gotten used to it by now right...? but no... evidently that's not the case for me. sighs.

i feel so weak inside. after all those defence mechanisms built up after all this while... why has it just crumbled again...? im just waiting.