dont let me go;;

i feels tired...

like i want to give up all over again...

be a coward. just. just pick up the blade and tear my wrist into pieces like i used to... i dont know what's holding me back still... maybe its the like long period of stagnation from using the blade on myself so now im just kind of... i dont know anymore.

i feel like. i dont know. it feels like no one ever sees [me]. no one ever realizes that im trying that. im really REALLY trying. i need that appreciation and understanding so much. but i get it from no one...

im tired...

rant.

-is extremely irritated- i feel tired. im 15 years old and you're still trying to control me. make me do the things that you want me to simply because its what you want and what you expect me to do. you know being completely honest i dont need it at all. yeah i admit ive been pretty stupid. letting you have your way all 15 years of my life. doing everything that you ask just because you threaten to fking slap me just because i wont do it. even if its because i wont do it because i dont approve of it. because my morals dont do me justice. or even just because i dont want to let you keep ordering me around. just to let you know you dont have the right of laying your hand on me. not anymore. (besides. you never had) just to let you know ive remembered every single one of them. and ive never forgiven you for any of them. and just so you know. i never will. and for the first time in 15 years of my life im learning to do what you call "rebel" yes. im rebelling. against what. your dictatorship. i was stupid enough like two years ago to allow you to screw my own choice. to screw what i wanted so badly to do ever since i was a young girl. i let you do that. i dont know how. maybe i was still AFRAID of you then. but im not anymore. you can slap me all you want until my cheeks turn red until my mouth bleeds I DONT REALLY CARE ANYMORE. its not the first time you'd be doing it for no reason. its not the first time youd be doing it. i dont even hurt when you do it anymore. you broke the one thing that i wanted to have so much choice over. the one thing i was SO SURE i wanted to do. my aim since i was like what. 5. what i wanted to do so much. you didnt allow me to do it. and now you want to control me again. im telling you i may have been stupid before but im not quite so stupid anymore. i wont let you continue manipulating me to do what you want to at the expense of my own happiness. my own goals. what i want. YOU'VE never approved of my choices and it used to matter. it doesnt anymore. just so you know. ive grown up. maybe i havent completely matured. but ive matured enough to know what I want. not what YOU want. you can try to make me do things the way you want me to. YOU CAN JUST TRY. AND YOU CAN KEEP ON TRYING. but im not giving in again. NEVER. AGAIN. id be willing to listen to what you think. what your opinion was. if you respected me enough to make me return that respect. the respect i give nearly everyone. EXCEPT YOU. simply because im beginning to realize how much you dont deserve because you try to control me. im not your robot. im not someone you can manipulate. sometimes i THANK GOD i dont have a brother. because i know he'd suffer in YOUR hands more than mine. he'd live life according to YOUR expectations of him. what YOU want him to do. but im not a boy. and im not letting you manipulate me.

breakaway

why is it like that...?

why are you making me feel so awful...?

its just one day after my birthday...

making up for lost time...?

do you know how many times ive cried-
and do you even care...?

i dont like continuously blocking myself out.

pretending im not hurt when i am.

pretending to be okay.

so that i dont start quarrelling with you.

but why do you always have to make it this bad?

why do you have to?

whywhywhywhwywhywhywhy?

im blocking you out so i can be myself again.

but why must it be this way

i need sweet release.

i cant go on this way its not doing me any good.

let me go.

you're not making me happy you know that?

you're torturing me.

you're hurting me at the expense of your own happiness.

and id be hurting you at the expense of mine.

just let go.

i want to stop crying over you. i want to stop crying because of you. i want to stop crying for you.