whirlpool

its been tiring. and exhausting. and a lot of other things i cant describe. its like life has been this roller coaster. and somehow. it got better for awhile since i met him but now its just going back to the same old routine again.

and its hard to describe it but the temptation to cut seems to be coming back all over again.

im curious though. why is it that happiness only ever lasts one or two days. or maybe even one or two hours? i dont know. why is it always this way? im tired of those sleepless nights in bed thinking of you and wishing you were here.

wishing things were so much better between us both. wishing... for so many things i dont know if i could ever have. wishing for things which somehow i believe i cant have.

my head hurts from the impact of the wall. i feel. so lost. yeah... is that the feeling? lost. i suppose it is. have i really been happier than i used to be...?

tiredness.

there is this great inclination to shut up and go away.

i really dont need this from you now. but do you ever understand that? no. obviously not. you're not that clever.

sighs. its always the case of one problem on another. besides the problems piling on top of one another... and of course emotions pile up along with those problems.

i get tired too easily nowadays. i dont know why. seems that if i can stay up late so long every night... i would have gotten used to it by now right...? but no... evidently that's not the case for me. sighs.

i feel so weak inside. after all those defence mechanisms built up after all this while... why has it just crumbled again...? im just waiting.

today.

well.

this is supposed to be a private blog so im not going to bother primping it up with ridiculously pinkifiedd templates from blogskins.com. though some can be really quite nce. but anyway.

i suppose one day someone will stumble upon this blog. just like everyone stumbles upon everyone else's private blogs. -shrugs-

it is my private blog. so no one has to come in if they so do not want to.

i find myself a little hard to comprehend. abit of myself here and another part of myself there. sometimes i do feel like im losing my own grasp on my life. just as it always is. and i dont understand why its like that. but... why am i not celebrating, but instead feeling weird and suspicious that i have no homework to be completed and handed up tomorrow - with the exception of SIAs that is.

i just. did that. write 10 things to 10 people thing on my public blog. but there's so much more i want to say to them. but. well. i never could. and i probably never would either.

i do suppose i'll express them out in bits and pieces as i go along. in here of course. i suppose saying it outside would just open myself to mmm. misunderstandings i suppose. and i could do very well avoiding those things now. yeah.

sometimes. i feel so confused and at a complete loss as to how i should deal with things. it feels so horrible sometimes. only being able to look on, and yet not being able to do anything that could help. i dont know what to do. honestly.

lynette. she's driving me in circles and i dont know how to deal with her. dont know how to help her. i know. i know she's not alright like she tends to tell others she is. not alright like she tries to show others she is. but then again. what can we all do really...? she keeps turning her back to all of us who try to help. i have no idea why. but. i dont know. she reminds me so greatly of adwyn. so many people willing to be there to help them. but yet. either they dont see it. or they simply refuse to accept and allow others into their lives. its. its so frustrating. sighs.

nevermind my angst.

hmm. just testing this out.